Inner Ramblings of a discouraged early career scientist
Warning!!!! This post has no clear direction and the order of thoughts is completely random. As the subheading (and the extremely random image) suggests, these are indeed inner ramblings.
As I journey deeper into the unknown, I find myself nervous about what’s to come. I am fueled primarily by my desire to make a difference, but I happen to be ignorant to what that difference will be. I wrote a piece several months ago titled, “What’s next?” and posted it on LinkedIn. It got quite a bit of feedback so I assume my inner ramblings are well received by the public. Knowing that the lessons I’ve learned through my perseverance speak to so many people, has led me to continue to share my experiences. I attempt to use my platform (or at least my makeshift one) to encourage others when they too are experiencing the ‘early career scientist blues,’ and I find that I feel so much better when I get things off my chest…. So here goes!
I moved to Chicago at the start of July to begin my post PhD training. Contrary to my social media posts, I was not extremely enthusiastic about the idea of moving to a large city where I had very few contacts. I can hear my mom in my ear, “You know Gus and dem out that way!” My maternal grandfather’s younger brother with whom I’ve had very little contact with over the years… yay me! I had my heart set in another direction. I had a strong desire to be surrounded by friends and familiar faces. I’ve gotten quite used to being separated from family, so when I didn’t get to the second round of interviews at Vanderbilt (my mom and brother reside in Nashville) I wasn’t too upset.
The hardest pill to swallow was the final nail in the coffin that cemented the loss of an opportunity that I desired the most. It was like three shots to the chest having to come face to face with my would-be primary advisor at a conference I attended as a panelist. At this point I was two weeks into my current position. The cherry was being transparent about my rejection prior to my acceptance into this program. Though names of institutions weren’t given, he knew who he was, and it may have been my imagination, but I sensed his frustration about not being able to hire me.
Having attended predominantly Black undergraduate college, I am aware of the skills and insights I gained that I would not have received elsewhere. I had a strong desire to spend the next part of my educational journey at another HBCU. My HBCU undergraduate experience is the foundation of my current academic success and I share more about that in another blog post. I do not hide my support of HBCUs. In fact I’ve been extremely transparent with my mentors and colleagues about my eventual desire to find my way back to such an institution.
The second hardest pill to swallow has been becoming aware that the training phase is extremely vital to future success (I’m tired of training!). During the phases of training and development, it is very easy to fall into depression. You hear about the poor mental health of graduate students, but were you aware that it can occur well into your postdoctoral training too? I know I can’t be the only person who is tired. There happen to be many a day that I find myself with no desire to get out of bed. There are many days that I just want to cry for no reason except that #adulting is hard. I often find myself curious about why I’ve chosen to suffer so much. To what end am I running this race? What drives me? What motivates me? What makes me happy? If I’m going to be miserable day in and day out, I need to at least be well compensated for it… right?
I was conversing with a good friend the other day, and in the midst of my tears of frustration, she scolded me and said, “I’mma need you to figure out what it is you wanna do… and it sounds like you already know, but you’re avoiding.” I’m here to say, I’m not avoiding… I’m simply frustrated because I know that even after all of this education I’ve got backing me… I’m still stupid… and I still have a ways to go before I’m doing what I love… teaching people with whom I can relate about something I love.
So Stupid Science, by the Stupid Scientist was born. Lol! “Stupid Science… at the intersection of brilliance and stupidity!” “Stupid science! Where No dumb question exists!” “Stupid Science… if you don’t feel stupid, you’re not discovering anything new.” “Stupid Science… where comfort zones are disrupted!” Maybe one of those slogans will stick eventually. Maybe I’ll look back years from now and wonder why I was so depressed… or maybe I’ll look back to these moments of frustration and say, “it was necessary to birth who I’ve become.” Who knows…