The inner ramblings of a distracted and transitioning scientist
Many of you… well those of you who bother to follow this blog have experienced some sort of hardship associated with transition. Whether you’re about to graduate from high school and you’re narrowing down your next steps (college, work, and if you’ve got it like that, backpack across Europe), or you’ve completed your freshman prerequisites and are still unsure about what you’re going to declare your major to be. Transition is difficult, and don’t allow anyone to tell you that it isn’t. When you’re struggling to hold back tears, let those bad boys fall, because at each new phase of your life, you’re going to come face to reality with things you’ve never experienced up till that point. Encroaching upon unfamiliar territory is scary, and there will be times where you have to make a decision to either face that fear, or run. Psychologists call this the fight or flight response. As I struggle through my own transition, I too am faced with the hardships associated with #adulting.
One thing that has given me solace recently has been acknowledging that no one has to live my life but me. People’s opinions have the ability to steer you toward unhappiness if you allow them. This isn’t to say that seeking the advice and wisdom of those who’ve withered the strong winds before you is futile. Advice from others is vital to helping you form your own path. Your elders may share something that resonates with you, or they may help to reaffirm that a particular path just isn’t for you, either way, their input can be valued, but keep in mind that you and only you are the Captain of your fate.
As I get older, I’m realizing that at no point does anyone have it all figured out. All those well put together ‘grownups’ are still kids on the inside playing dress up… some of us just do it better than others. If the real world were like movies, the people who appear to have their shit together the most are the ones being nominated for best male/female lead in their own feature presentation.
I was talking to a young woman the other day about struggling with anxiety and depression. Since I’ve been seeking therapy I’ve been able to confidently share with others my own dilemmas with anxiety and mild depression. When it came time for me to graduate with my BS from the illustrious Stillman College, I experienced regular anxiety attacks at the same time every day for 3 months. I was taking my final required course for my degree… my thesis was completed, and I was applying for graduate schools. On the surface I appeared to have things all figured out. I was prompt to my classes, I was completing my tasks for SGA and my other extracurricular activities, I was working two part time jobs and I never missed a symphonic or concert band practice/ performance. To the outside world I probably seemed like wonder woman, but on the inside I was terrified of those next steps. When no one was looking I cried, and when I had to suck it up and play ‘dress up,’ I was counting down from 100 as my breathing labored, my heart pounded, and my chest constricted every Monday Wednesday and Friday in my Plant Biology class.
I got through it though, and reflecting back on those days, it doesn’t seem as bad as it was in that moment, but as I embark on this new journey of transition, I’m experiencing some of those same symptoms. My breathing is labored, my chest is tight, my stomach is in knots and my pillow is tear stained. When going through… you just have to take a moment to allow yourself to feel frustrated, upset and scared. Breathe. Pray. Let it go. (Breathe, stretch, shake, let it go! *Harlem shake*)
So what has been my coping mechanism as of late? Not giving a fu@< honestly. When things go wrong I’ve begun to say, “eff it.” I seldom use derogatory language IRL, so my expletives are often spelled out when I’m conversing. BREATHE! (fuck it!) Stretch (meditate)! And Let that bull swanky go (release)!
Much love!
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